Men: Decisive and Determined – To a Fault

By Steve Rothwell

Men: Decisive and Determined – To a Fault

Tough Talk - Introduction to this blog.

At Tough To Talk, we work upstream of crisis. We often define suicide as “when the pain of living feels greater than the fear of dying.” That pain rarely appears out of nowhere. It builds quietly, often behind strengths that are usually praised.

In our work across male-centric workplaces and communities, we regularly see how traits like decisiveness, determination, and persistence can be both powerful and protective — until life shifts in a way those traits can’t fix.

We’re pleased to share this guest blog from Steve Rothwell, who brings thoughtful insight into how strength can sometimes turn into rigidity, particularly during relationship breakdown, identity loss, and periods of significant stress.

His perspective reflects something we frequently observe: when overwhelm grows and flexibility shrinks, risk can increase.

This piece invites us to look at male coping styles with compassion, not criticism - and to recognise early signs before pressure becomes despair.

Now onto the main event, take it away Steve Rothwell.

Men: Decisive and Determined – To a Fault

In recent work with men across relationship and work-related stress, a pattern has become very clear. If it had to be reduced to a single headline, it would be this:

Men: decisive and determined… sometimes to a fault.

Decisiveness and determination are qualities many men are taught to value from a young age. These traits help men succeed in demanding workplaces. They help men push through hardship. They help men provide, perform, and persist when things are difficult.

When life is running smoothly, these qualities are rewarded. Men are respected for being steady, reliable, and able to make hard calls.

But there is another side to this story.

When life stops going to plan, the same traits that once helped men succeed can start to trap them.

When Strength Becomes Rigidity

What is often seen is men trying to maintain decisiveness and determination even when those traits are no longer helping them.

This is especially visible during major life stressors such as relationship breakdown, divorce, career disruption, or identity change following illness or injury.

Instead of adapting to new reality, some men double down on effort. They try harder. Push further. Sacrifice more. Over time, determination can shift into pursuit that is no longer realistic. Into mental exhaustion. Into despair.

Many men describe certain outcomes as being “the be all and end all”. Not one part of life. The whole of life.

Over time, this belief can become fused with identity. Not just something a man wants. Something he believes he must achieve in order to still be himself.

The “Yes, But” Thinking Pattern

A common pattern is rigid counter-thinking when new perspectives are introduced.

Acceptance is raised.“Yes, but we have not tried everything.”

Change is discussed.“Yes, but this was meant to last forever.”

Future possibilities are mentioned.“Yes, but not this future.”

This is rarely simple stubbornness. It is usually fear, grief, loss of identity, and loss of control happening all at once.

Some men spend years mentally reinforcing one single outcome until it feels inseparable from who they are. Letting go can feel like psychological collapse rather than adjustment.

Loss of Control and the Path to Overwhelm

For many men, one of the most destabilising experiences is losing control over an unwanted outcome.

When someone believes they must be able to fix something, and reality proves they cannot, overwhelm often follows.

This is where an important truth needs to be stated clearly.

When people become overwhelmed beyond their coping capacity, suicidal thoughts can emerge. Not because someone is weak. Not because someone has failed. But because the brain is attempting to escape emotional pain it perceives as unbearable.

This is a stress response. It is not a character flaw.

The Hidden Cost of “Pushing Through”

Many men are taught to cope with emotional distress through action. Through productivity. Through physical exertion. Through constant forward movement.

While this can help short term, it can also become avoidance of grief, acceptance, or emotional processing.

When effort becomes constant and all consuming, mental space disappears. When mental space disappears, perspective disappears. When perspective disappears, hopelessness can grow.

This is where risk increases.

How Society Accidentally Reinforces the Problem

There is a difficult tension here.

Society rewards decisiveness.Workplaces reward determination.Persistence is praised as strength.

And in many environments, this is appropriate and useful.

But when this mindset transfers unchanged into personal life, it can create rigid thinking patterns that are harmful.

Life is not always solvable through effort.Relationships are not project plans.Some outcomes cannot be forced into existence through willpower.

When men try to treat emotional life like a problem that must be solved through force of effort, they can become trapped in unwinnable internal battles.

The Missing Skill: Flexible Strength

Flexibility is not weakness.

Acceptance is not surrender.

Sometimes the strongest action is changing direction. Sometimes the bravest act is acknowledging reality and allowing a new future to exist.

Rigid thinking narrows options. Flexible thinking creates options. Mental safety lives in options.

Early Warning Signs of Stuck Thinking

Men may want to watch for patterns such as:

• Believing one outcome defines the entire future

• Inability to imagine life beyond one specific scenario

• Constant mental replay of past events or relationships

• Extreme discomfort when alternative viewpoints are discussed

• Feeling identity will collapse if circumstances change

• Increasing sense of pressure, urgency, or “must fix this now” thinking

These are not failures. They are signals that coping load is becoming too high.

Protective Skills Men Can Learn

Notice All-or-Nothing LanguageIf thinking includes phrases like “I cannot live without this” or “This is everything”, pause. These are emotional signals, not objective truths.

Separate Identity From OutcomeA person is never only their relationship, job, or single life path.

Build Tolerance For UncertaintyThe brain wants immediate resolution. Mental health often requires tolerating not knowing for a period of time.

Talk Earlier, Not LaterSupport works best before crisis point, not after.

Treat Suicidal Thoughts As Warning SignalsThey indicate overload. They are not instructions.

The Message Men Need to Hear

Being decisive and determined can be powerful strengths.

But when these strengths become rigid, when they block acceptance, when they prevent adaptation to reality, they stop protecting men.

They start trapping them.

Letting go of an outcome is not failure.Adapting is not weakness.Starting again is not defeat.

Sometimes survival itself is strength.

And if overwhelm is present, if dark thoughts are appearing, that does not mean someone is broken. It means their brain is trying to cope with too much for too long without enough support.

There is help. There are people who will stand alongside men during these moments. There is life beyond the outcome that currently feels impossible to live without.

Even if it cannot be seen yet.

...and a final word from us before checking out Steve's bio...

We’re grateful to Steve Rothwell for exploring this pattern with such clarity.

At Tough To Talk, we believe prevention begins long before crisis. The thinking patterns described in this article - all-or-nothing language, identity tied to one outcome, “must fix this now” urgency — are often visible well before someone reaches breaking point.

Recognising these signs early, and responding with flexibility rather than force, can make a real difference.

If this article resonates with you, or reminds you of someone you’re concerned about, speaking earlier rather than later matters. Support is most effective before overwhelm escalates.

If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services. You can also find signposting and support information at www.toughtotalk.com.

Prevention doesn’t begin at crisis.

It begins when we notice the build-up.

Bio: 

Steve Rothwell is a counsellor and writer whose work is shaped by lived experience of trauma, neurodivergence, and suicide risk. He is the developer of Overcome Trauma Stuck Points, a practical, meaning-based framework that helps people understand how trauma fragments time, identity, and hope. Originally developed for those living with extreme trauma, the approach has broader application in suffering reduction and suicide prevention. Steve’s work currently supports ex-prisoners in Australia and individuals worldwide to break free from stuck thinking patterns and re-engage with a sense of life as a continuing journey.

Contact Details

Steve Rothwell, Overcome Trauma Stuck Points Counselling 

Email: contact@reliefandhope.com 

Web - www.reliefandhope.com