Before You Reach In to Someone Else

Introduction from Steve Whittle

We talk a lot at Tough To Talk about reaching in.

About noticing when somebody has changed.

About being willing to start the conversation rather than waiting for the perfect disclosure.

But there is another side to that responsibility that matters just as much.

The person doing the reaching in needs looking after too.

Tough Talkers are not therapists. They are not responsible for fixing another person, and they should never be expected to carry somebody else’s risk alone.

They are trusted people who notice, ask, listen, support and connect.

That requires boundaries, but it also requires self-awareness.

Catherine’s piece explores something we probably do not talk about enough: the conversations happening inside our own heads while we are busy trying to support everyone else.

Her perspective as a psychotherapist adds another useful layer to our upstream thinking.

Because Behaviour Before Words is not only about noticing somebody else.

Sometimes we need to notice ourselves too.

There is one question in Catherine’s article that I think every Tough Talker should occasionally ask before reaching in:

“How am I today?”

It is simple.

It is also worth answering honestly.

Steve Whittle

Founder, Tough To Talk

A message to every Tough Talker

By Catherine Gallacher

This article is for you.

The Tough Talker showing up for the people around them.

The colleague, volunteer or community member others already trust.

The person helping create a culture where difficult conversations can happen earlier.

Before we talk about anyone else…

I’d like to talk about you.

Because the people helping others also need looking after.

Every conversation you start matters.

Every time you notice someone who does not seem themselves matters.

Every small shift towards a safer, more supportive culture matters.

You may never know which conversation sparked a change.

You may never know which employee went home feeling less alone because someone in their organisation recognised earlier that something had changed.

That is part of prevention.

But having these conversations also carries responsibility.

You are responsible for staying within your role and boundaries, not for another person’s outcomes.

Because talking about suicide, mental health and human struggle has an emotional weight of its own.

And that means your wellbeing matters too.

The Conversation We Never Hear

Over more than thirty years as a psychotherapist, I’ve noticed something.

In my experience, people can arrive at crisis with a story that has already been unfolding inside their own mind for some time.

Not a conversation with someone else.

A conversation with themselves.

“I’ll deal with it tomorrow.”

“I’m just tired.”

“I need to keep going.”

“I can’t let anyone down.”

The remarkable thing is that these thoughts don’t usually sound alarming.

They sound reasonable.

Until they quietly become the only story we believe.

The brain is constantly trying to help us make sense of the world.

It predicts.

It fills in gaps.

It prepares us for what might happen next.

Most of the time, that’s incredibly helpful.

Sometimes those predictions can become less helpful, particularly when we’re living with prolonged pressure, uncertainty or stress.

In mental health, we often refer to these as Automatic Negative Thoughts.

They aren’t a sign of weakness.

They’re part of being human.

The challenge comes when we stop questioning them.

Why I Created The Forest of ANTs™

For years, I wanted a better way to explain these invisible conversations.

Not through complicated psychology.

Not through clinical language.

Through stories.

That’s how The Forest of ANTs™ was born.

I explore the idea through my LinkedIn newsletter and across the three books in the trilogy.

Each character represents a different Automatic Negative Thought.

The Fox that catastrophises.

The Owl that never stops overthinking.

The Deer that whispers self-doubt.

The Wolf that sees everything as success or failure.

People often smile when they meet these characters.

Then something unexpected happens.

They recognise themselves.

And that recognition creates something powerful.

Not judgement.

Awareness.

Because when we can recognise a thought…

we are no longer completely controlled by it.

Why This Matters in the Workplace

Many men spend more waking hours at work than anywhere else.

Work becomes more than a job.

It becomes identity.

Purpose.

Responsibility.

A place where people often feel they must keep going, whatever is happening inside.

That is why workplaces matter.

Not because managers become counsellors.

Not because colleagues become therapists.

But because culture influences whether someone feels able to speak before they reach crisis.

The most important conversation is often the one that happens much earlier.

Long before anyone says they’re struggling.

Sometimes before changes in behaviour are obvious to anyone else.

Long before silence becomes overwhelming.

That’s why the work Tough Talkers do is so important.

By noticing change, reaching in and starting human conversations, Tough Talkers help create workplaces where people may feel safer accessing support earlier.

Sometimes culture makes it easier for someone to be noticed, heard and connected with support sooner.

Before You Reach In Again

I’d like to leave you with one thought.

The brain you’re helping other people understand…

is your brain too.

The conversations you’re encouraging other people to recognise…

are conversations you’ll have yourself.

So before you reach in to someone else…

Before you start the next difficult conversation…

Before you become the person someone else turns to…

Pause.

Ask yourself one simple question.

“How am I today?”

Not because you’re expected to struggle.

Because you’re human.

The people creating healthier workplaces deserve healthy workplaces too.

That includes you.

One Conversation Earlier with Steve

Steve Whittle and the Tough To Talk community are helping organisations do something incredibly important.

They’re helping conversations happen earlier.

Earlier than crisis.

Earlier than silence.

Earlier than regret.

That is where I believe prevention begins.

Not with the loudest moment.

With the quiet conversation taking place inside a person’s own mind.

If we can help people recognise those conversations sooner…

If workplaces become places where people feel safe enough to speak…

If we continue building cultures where asking for help feels safe, possible and worthwhile…

Then we move the conversation upstream.

And sometimes…

moving the conversation upstream…

is where change can begin.

About Catherine Gallacher

Catherine Gallacher is a Senior Accredited Psychotherapist, neuroscience-informed leadership specialist, international speaker and founder of StepUpcmg Ltd.

For more than 30 years she has helped individuals, leaders and organisations understand how the brain influences decision-making, resilience, wellbeing and performance under pressure.

She is the creator of The Pause Effect™ and The Forest of ANTs™, an original storytelling approach that helps people recognise the hidden conversations taking place inside their own minds before those conversations shape behaviour, relationships and wellbeing.

Catherine is passionate about helping workplaces create psychologically safer cultures where people can pause, notice and choose a healthier path long before crisis develops. She is an author and widely published.

Website: https://www.realisedcatherinegallacher.netLinkedIn: RealisedCatherine GallacherEmail: stepupcmg@gmail.com

Support

This guest article discusses suicide, mental health and crisis.

Tough To Talk is not a crisis service.

If someone is in immediate danger, call 999.

Samaritans: Call 116 123 free, day or night.Shout: Text SHOUT to 85258.NHS 111: For urgent health advice.

Tough To Talk works upstream of crisis, helping workplaces, charities and communities recognise distress earlier, reach in sooner and support people before crisis develops.

Tough To Talk: talk@toughtotalk.com