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“It’s Not That Bad”: The Danger of Downplaying Pain

By Steve Rothwell

Overcome Trauma Stuck Points Counselling


Blokes in emotional distress are often like wild birds. They fluff themselves up and appear strong right up to the moment they are about to fall off the perch.

The comparison may sound absurd, or even insensitive, but it holds. When men are under sustained emotional strain, many slip into automatic distress-minimising or outright denial. They tell themselves it is not that bad. They carry on. They assume other men must not struggle like this because everyone else also appears to be coping.


What is often missed is that this is not deliberate dishonesty. It is a social and psychological reflex. Men learn early to assess distress through comparison, endurance, and outward appearance. If others seem fine, then you must be fine too. If you are still functioning, then nothing serious can be wrong.


This pattern becomes especially pronounced in highly traumatic environments, where “mateship” is treated not as a support but as a solution in itself. We see it clearly in military service and in imprisonment. The unspoken agreement is that the situation is brutal, but shared toughness will see everyone through. Endure it together, keep your head down, and you will be fine.


What rarely gets named is the cost of this logic. Mateship quietly replaces help-seeking. Strength becomes silence. Vulnerability becomes weakness. The group survives, but individuals quietly unravel.


This illusion of impregnability also plays out across many male-dominated industries. Nobody wants to be the one who breaks ranks. Nobody wants to look weak or unreliable. So everyone fluffs up, even as their footing becomes less secure.


It’s Not Your Fault. It’s Automatic.

What is missing from these views is a basic reality about emotional overwhelm. When it arrives, it is not something that can be controlled by willpower or toughness. Whether the distress comes from life circumstances, cumulative stress, anxiety, or depression, the defining feature is a loss of emotional and cognitive control.


That is what overwhelm means.


At this point, thoughts are no longer fully of your own authorship. Your brain shifts into threat mode. Perspective narrows. Judgement distorts. Emotional pain amplifies. This has nothing to do with character or resilience. It is a normal human response to being overloaded.


Admitting this can feel sobering and deeply uncomfortable. Many men experience it as humiliating or emasculating. But it is not a personal failure. It is not a weakness. It is the predictable outcome of prolonged strain.


What is a marker of strength is recognising this early and acting responsibly. Doing something about it is not quitting. It is leadership over your own life.


Acting Early: Well Before Crisis

The most important work in suicide prevention happens long before suicidal thoughts appear.


That work starts with self-compassion and self-validation, applied early and without comparison. Self-validation means taking your own experience seriously, without trying to justify it or minimise it. It means noticing when coping is becoming effortful, brittle, or joyless, and weighing the load for how heavy it feels to you.


There are no right or wrong conclusions here. Only honesty.

By monitoring your thinking and emotional state, and by recognising when things are starting to get on top of you, you can interrupt the slow escalation that brings so many men to the brink of collapse.


“Is This More Than Just a Tough Day?”

Of course, life requires toughness. Everyone has bad days. The question is not whether life is hard. The question is whether your capacity to cope is being exceeded.


Rarely does mental collapse arrive as a sudden avalanche. More often it creeps in quietly.


Early warning signs are subtle but consistent. Procrastination increases. Tasks feel heavier than they should. Avoidance creeps in. A mildly messy workspace starts to feel like a moral failure. Small problems feel catastrophic. Sounds, setbacks, or interruptions feel overwhelming. One more demand feels intolerable.


Too many men write these signals off as tiredness or stress. But when everything starts to feel like “too much,” that is not weakness. It is information.

Catching this early allows you to respond while options are still broad.


“But Others Have It Worse Than Me”

One of the most common traps men fall into is comparison. Others have it tougher. Others cope better. Others do not complain.


This line of reasoning is irrelevant and dangerous.

Anyone can become overwhelmed, regardless of how their life looks on paper. Clinical depression does not require a justification. Difficult life situations can cascade quickly, and coping resources can be exceeded before you realise what is happening.


Some people tolerate extreme conditions. Others do not. There is no moral ranking here.


The responsible step is recognising when your capacity has been exceeded, preferably before crisis.


So What Do You Actually Do?

Admitting that things are getting on top of you often feels like weakness. In reality, it is one of the strongest decisions you can make.


Start close. Talk to your family or trusted people and tell them plainly what you are struggling with. If they minimise it, be firm. This is not an objective debate. It is a subjective reality.


If overload is coming from juggling too many demands, consider reducing what you are carrying, even if it feels unthinkable. Ease back. Say no to overtime. Delay commitments. Your health matters more than short-term productivity or appearances.


Resist black-and-white thinking. Problems are rarely only “do or don’t” or “stay or quit.” Look for third options. Temporary adjustments. Flexible arrangements. Partial solutions.


The same applies to relationships. Instead of rigid, all-or-nothing positions, look for compromises you might previously have dismissed.

All of this work is about preventing escalation. Because once mental overload intensifies, tunnel vision sets in. Thinking narrows to worst-case scenarios. At that point, suicidal ideation is no longer far away.


If depression is suspected, assume it could be clinical. The risk of doing nothing is far greater than the risk of seeking help. See your GP. Be blunt. Medication, therapy, or specialist referrals should all be considered early, not as last resorts.

You want to be doing all of this well before crisis, not when you feel like nothing can help or when emergency services are the only option left.


Key Takeaways

  • Self-validating pain takes courage. Others may minimise it. You must not.

  • Emotional overwhelm changes thinking. Some thoughts are not of your own authorship. This is normal.

  • Recognising exceeded coping capacity feels confronting. Acting on it is strength.

  • Comparison is irrelevant. Stop using it.

  • Reasoning that “it’s not that bad” is not rational. It is a risk factor.


Downplaying pain does not make it go away. It only delays action until the options are fewer and the risks are far higher.

The time to act is upstream.


Overcome Trauma Stuck Points Counselling


Bio:

Steve Rothwell is a counsellor and writer whose work is shaped by lived experience of trauma, neurodivergence, and suicide risk. He is the developer of Overcome Trauma Stuck Points, a practical, meaning-based framework that helps people understand how trauma fragments time, identity, and hope. Originally developed for those living with extreme trauma, the approach has broader application in suffering reduction and suicide prevention. Steve’s work currently supports ex-prisoners in Australia and individuals worldwide to break free from stuck thinking patterns and re-engage with a sense of life as a continuing journey.


Contact Details

Steve Rothwell, Overcome Trauma Stuck Points Counselling 



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